Help is on the way!

It would appear that I'm a better mom to sick children than to healthy ones. Addie in particular has been down with a bad cold over the last two days, and I have found it easier to be pleasant with a clingy, feverish, docile toddler than an energetic, demanding, willful one. I have been in a more even keeled state, and I don't really think that a virus is at the root of it.

I find that I have to relearn the same lessons in life over and over again. This week's morality tale: "Always respect your feelings and needs whether or not they stand the test of logic." What often happens to me is that I'll feel something, but rather than acknowledging the legitimacy of feeling that way, I'll try to argue myself out of it. Ultimately, the need does not subside, and something deep within me (my soul?) takes a stand and will not let the issue die. This "last stand" is often expressed as anger or frustration.

This week's (this year's?) example is around childcare and my need to find more time for my own work and interests. Anger and frustration was at a peak by the time of my last blog entry. At that point I looked back at my week and saw that I had had a number of blocks when someone else was caring for one or both of my kids. I shouldn't feel angry or frustrated with my life, I argue, I have had some time, although what's on the calendar doesn't always correspond to what actually occurred. But anyways, lots of moms don't have any help and I shouldn't be so needy. My soul is not moved by this barrage of defenses - it wants me to have time to work and be creative. Anger arises. I feel crumbier than ever about my life and my parenting. Enter the vicious cycle of guilt, anger, etc. and things spiral downhill quickly.

This week I'm listening to that inner voice. I am paying someone wonderful to hang out with my lovelies on two occasions, plus my parents are coming over twice. The rest of the parenting time will be split by Daddy and myself. Plus, on Monday evening I was supposed to have hosted a potluck gathering, and because my eldest was sick, I arranged for a different venue so I could attend to him, AND I asked my parents to come over that day and help out. Normally I would have talked myself out of both of these decisions and ended up feeling exhausted from dealing with two needy children alone all day and guilty for having people over instead of prioritizing the needs of my own sick child. As a result, I'm feeling pretty good about life and parenting. Yay!