Don't you looooove whining? Yeah, me too. It's a major feature around here, and I'm hardly the only culprit. Daddy's ribs are sore from a too vigorous "touch" in touch football. Toddler Boy wants _____ (insert name of desired food, toy, book, action)... no, not that one, a different one. No, no, no. Collapse in a heap of tears. Baby Boy wants to be held or suckled, pretty much 24/7. Or at least when he sees his mom, which is often.
I'm trying to get through the introductory chapter of Ugly Feelings. I've agreed to "present" on this topic at a salon friends are hosting, so the fear of total embarrassment is motivating me to break through the atmospheric noise of my daily life and the dense language of the book to some kind of understanding. And really, I of all people should know a thing or two about ugly feelings. Anxiety, irritation, envy - they're my watchwords!
If I could find the book, I'd pick out some pithy quotes to share, but I can't, so I won't. From what I can gather, the author is connecting these "weaker and nastier" affects to "suspended agency", an inability (or unwillingness?) to take action. My own desires are often repressed these days... by the nearly constant needs of children, the demands of a hundred year old house, life itself. I feel unable to take action vocationally, towards my own "career," or to accept what is and truly appreciate my blessed position as a (mostly-stay-at-home) mother of two healthy, exquisitely beautiful and interesting young sons. I'm a human beaver, caught in my dam, drowning under the logs. What a pathetic and unnatural metaphor!
I feel like I'm in desperate need of an attitude adjustment much of the time, caught in these emotional states that the author rightly describes as "non-cathartic" and amazingly tenacious. And yet, even my abbreviated, dis-jointed reading of the book is pushing me to reflect more deeply, to look past the "pointing finger" of these awkward, dysphoric feelings to what they're painfully pointing towards... this tremendous knot of a life and the range of cultural, social, and political forces that tug at my strings from every direction.
To be totally honest, today the noose is loose, and I'm actually feeling quite fine. I've had a lot of time to actually DO things on my own, towards my work. And we (Daddy and I) went canoeing for a few hours this weekend. Out of the dam and into a boat - what a change! 12:21 am. Look, there's even time for sleep!
1 comment:
very close to experiencing the 2 child roller coaster you write about.
have a "bear" bones shell for the summer blog...www.breakoutfun.blogspot.com
idea is more difficult than thought with a real mix of who wants to be involved and who doesn't and trying to keep it straight...thus the bear for day one.
if you have time (stupid phrase I know) let me know if you would be willing to and interested in meeting us at an event to take some Mommy B calibre photos...love your photos.
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